Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Happy New Year!

It's the time of year to start making a list of your resolutions. It's also the time of year for all those annoying "entertainment news" year-in-review shows to air. I hate those. I hate the term "entertainment news" almost as much as I hate the term "television history".
Anyway, it's time to make your list and I am releasing mine to the interweb and invite you to do the same. It's a handy way to hold yourself accountable to those who love you/ those who have no qualms about calling you on your shit. Here is my list (it's short but I feel it covers the biggest bad habit I've picked up over the last couple years):

1. Do not get pregnant this calender year. For the love of God.

That's all. Lofty goal, I know. But I think I can not do it!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope your Spawns don't end up more interested in the wrapping paper than they are in your thoughtful gifts!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Who do you have to let impregnate you to get some baked goods around here?

I'd like to know. In Hollywood, guys are always going out to get ice cream for their unreasonable and expecting wives. Nevermind. I answered my own question. This is just another example of how being married in the eyes of Revenue Canada only has screwed me over once again. If there was a ring on my finger, I could be secure enough to kick up enough of a fuss until he left to go and get me ice cream. Or baked goods. You've won this one Partner. Until next time.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Now that I've been pregnant for all of Canada's four seasons, I can safely say that there is no good time to be pregnant.

Don't do it. Trust me.

Friday, December 18, 2009

I found this interesting tid bit on http://knockedupcelebs.com/page/2/

"Rachel Weisz is mom to three year old, Henry, and is also playing a grieving mom in the movie, The Lovely Bones, which comes out soon. She says she’s not a huge fan of ‘mommy talk’ though.
“It’s so boring. There’s nothing more boring than parents talking about their children. They’re cute little things, but it’s just not interesting.”
I think it’s adorable that she admitted that."

I couldn't agree more. Also, Rachel, it's really boring when people go into detail about the dream they had last night. Combine the two and it's Snoresville. I think it's adorable that I admitted that.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Miracle Of Life: Pregnancy. Your body will betray you.

I spent the last three months dressing like a cat lady because I thought, hey, I'm pregnant. How good can I look? Who cares. I love yoga pants. Blahhhhhhhhhhhh...  Then I decided to step it up a notch and make myself a little more presentable.

Today, I was walking with some pep in my step, feeling good about my new dress and boots, feeling like a snake who sloughed off that gross outer layer of skin and had a nice, new, sleek exterior. Only my old 'skin' was actually jogging pants and unwashed hair. I walked by two women who were talking about something boring (one can only assume) and I thought: I bet they wish that they made more of an effort, too.

Then I farted. Loudly. And the length of it automatically disqualifies it from being called a cute 'toot' or something. Being pregnant is awesome. I pee myself, fart without any notice whatsoever, explode with rage and am fat. What a fucking miracle.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Hello, my name is L'Oreal Vive Pro Shampoo for Dry or Damaged Hair.

BabyB may forever be nameless. I have three months left until lock down and I've got nothing. To make my life easier, I'm thinking that I might just give the second one Spawn's name. Then I googled "name my baby" and a bunch of sites that list names and their meanings came up. But I don't think google got it. I literally wanted the internet to name my baby. Being a mother is so demanding and all consuming. If the internet could just do this one thing for me, I would be much obliged.

I am open to suggestions. And corporate branding! Feel free to comment with suggestions and/or email me for advertising rates. I'm thinking the baby could go six months at a time under one name, say The Gap and then move on to another. Obviously, the first six months would be the best advertising due to birth announcements, word of mouth and the initial news coverage that this move would get. So, you better hustle! Only three months left to book your spot.

I can picture it now: it's the first day of grade one and my kid's teacher does roll call. "I'm Loving It?" and the Spawn II is contractually required by McDonald's to correct the teacher and sing the I'm Loving It Part. Cha-ching!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Dear CBC television (children's division),
Thanks sooo much for naming a character on your morning kid's t.v. block of programing Mamma Yamma. It's just so cute and not at all humiliating when my creation points at the t.v. and incessantly repeats, 'mamma' over and over again. Of course no one knows that she's asking for your stupid sweet potato mother figure and assumes she is affectionately referring to the television as her mother. Thanks for that CBC.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Merry Deathmas!

We bought our first family Christmas tree today. From a store. It's in a box right now. Because it's fake. Because my associate says that a real one could kill our child. The needles could get into her lungs and kill her, you see. I had no idea that so many Christian or Christianish children were in such danger! My only hope is that word of my blog will spread far and wide so that all parents will avoid sending their children to a piny death. Mmm... gin.

Monday, December 7, 2009

After (finally) reading my blog, my not-so-silent partner made a crack about how I hate being a mother. Not so. I'm just not the gushy type. And while I am generally happy and satisfied with my life, I'm not the type to run around and tell everyone about it. I've never been a runner.

I guess it was in Spawn's letter to Santa when she wrote that I would be a flight risk if I was to have a third child that threw him off. First, as much as I wish I was more in control of my Dependent, I'm not. And those were her words. I don't believe in censorship. Second, as I explained to my "boyfriend", I am a multi faceted woman and motherhood is only one of the ways that I express myself. The other ways require child care. And you can't put a newborn into daycare. I've looked into it. Well, you can but you'll be judged and it's really expensive.

So, for the record, I do like being a mother. It's just that I can still remember sleeping in, going out with friends, being thin, being spontaneous, showering daily, not being pregnant, earning an income, and coming and going as I pleased. Luckily, God invented Stockholm Syndrome for parents in order to ensure that they don't abandon their young. I'm beginning to identify with my 14 month old captor and slowly but surely, I'm forgetting my old life...

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Dear Spawn,

It's bad enough that you are creating your own landfill of diapers over two years or so. Do you also need to unnecessarily unroll the toilet paper roll every time you should find yourself in the washroom? COMMON!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Since Spawn's penmanship is deplorable, I thought I would write her letter to Santa this year. I'm sure I can guess what she wants anyway. And I've had nearly thirty years to develop a rapport with Santa so it's probably best that I'm her in.

Dear Father Christmas,
I don't need any gifts because I want for nothing. Instead, I wish for things for my mom. Like, a fat old nanny to care for me in the mornings and whenever she wants 'me-time' because time on the toilet doesn't count, apparently. Also, since my mother has been pregnant for the better part of two years, may I suggest some birth control as a nice stocking stuffer? One more kid around is fine but anymore and let's be honest, she might be a flight risk.
Safe travels, Santa!
ps: do NOT bring my dad a ps3. It's better that way. How about some hangers for his clothes? It looks as though he does not own any. Just a thought.


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