Miracle Of Life: Pregnancy. Your body will betray you.
I spent the last three months dressing like a cat lady because I thought, hey, I'm pregnant. How good can I look? Who cares. I love yoga pants. Blahhhhhhhhhhhh... Then I decided to step it up a notch and make myself a little more presentable.
Today, I was walking with some pep in my step, feeling good about my new dress and boots, feeling like a snake who sloughed off that gross outer layer of skin and had a nice, new, sleek exterior. Only my old 'skin' was actually jogging pants and unwashed hair. I walked by two women who were talking about something boring (one can only assume) and I thought: I bet they wish that they made more of an effort, too.
Then I farted. Loudly. And the length of it automatically disqualifies it from being called a cute 'toot' or something. Being pregnant is awesome. I pee myself, fart without any notice whatsoever, explode with rage and am fat. What a fucking miracle.