Sunday, January 31, 2010

For the life of me, I can't understand why pregnant women are so horny to have their babies?? They do realize what happens next, right? What that means? Since this isn't my first rodeo, I know what's coming and I'm scared to death. Sure, I'm excited to see the baby and all of that. But truthfully, my mind can't keep from quickly going to the dark place, you know, "reality".

When you're pregnant for the first time, you might imagine all the wonderful family things you'll do all together or the heartfelt conversations you'll have with your child. You might think something like, "sure, it's going to be hard and not sleeping will be a challenge" but that's the understatement of the century. This time around, I'm trying to be really realistic in my expectations for myself. I have mantras to help relax me when my anxiety levels rise just thinking about those dark hours. You can use them too. Now, if this is your first pregnancy, they might scare you but trust me: you'll be back. You might want to book mark this page so in a month's time you can come back and read them again so you too can repeat them in the middle of the night. And, you're welcome.
  • I will not hit myself.
  • I will not yell out in unison with the child.
  • I will not dole out baby tylenol to bring on sleep, even just enough to turn things down a notch.
  • It's ok to pretend to be in a such a deep sleep that my Associate has to wake up and get the child
  • I will not try to do it all because I'm not religious enough to qualify for sainthood, so what's the point? 
  • No matter what hideous and awful stage the baby might be at, I realize that it is temporary and I keep my eye on the prize: summer camp time. Two weeks to a month of the kids at summer camp. I don't care what camp. I don't care the cost. 
  • You can't spoil a baby. I will do whatever the hell it takes to keep my sanity until it's Ferber Time! Sweet, sweet Ferber time. 
Although I don't actually know exactly where she is and I have no idea what the denomination of the church is, sending Spawn to Sunday school is the best decision I've ever made. Nobody should have to work on Sundays, including mothers. Praise the Lord!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Dear Women who don't have kids yet but would one day like to:

It's just a thought, but I'm wondering if you should consider taking it in the hoop? I believe that would keep things loose and you wouldn't be plagued by hemorrhoids later.**

**miscellaneous mom is not a doctor and taking it in the hoop may not, in fact, decrease your odds of getting hemorrhoids. But if you know from personal experience that this method does prevent hemorrhoids, let us know.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

This round of Pregnant Or Fat? has come to a close.

The guessing game part of my pregnancy is long gone now.  No longer do I have to worry that people are wondering: "is she still fat from having a baby or is she pregnant again? Wasn't she always fat? I've only known her as fat". Well, screw you.
It's official and obvious to even the legally blind that I am both pregnant and fat. Thanks for playing.

Monday, January 4, 2010

If BabyB chooses to set off on the wrong foot, as in coming out feet first, that's fine. I've learned that parenting is a lot like trying to win Survivor. It's all about outwitting, outplaying and outlasting the kid. And I am game.
But it would seem as though I'm up against a formidable opponent. I've googled how to turn a breech baby and it's not looking good. Here are some of the possible ways I've found to turn this baby around.

1. visualizing. This option makes me nervous because if visualizing worked for me, I would have left the hospital in my high school jeans after Spawn was born.
2. headstands. No problem! But isn't flipping my legs over my head how I got into this mess in the first place?
3. I can put my ipod earphones down my pants and play classical music 6-8 times per day. I don't know about this one. I can commit to 5 times per day but 6?? Why do I always have to make all the sacrifices? Why can't my partner stick my ipod down his pants?
4.  look at pictures of upside down babies. Because apparently our minds are connected. Which makes me paranoid that this whole breach business is a desperate cry for attention. Listen BabyB: Just because I constantly complain about how exhausted I am, and how I was fooled by biology into getting knocked up again, and how I feel like I'm as agile as a  senior citizen doesn't mean I'm not thrilled you'll be keeping me up at nights? God. Don't take everything so personally.

I'm screwed. RIP, me.

Friday, January 1, 2010

There has been a lot of movement in my stomach lately and since I've been told that the baby is currently in a breech position, it got me to thinking: If I should die in childbirth, I have a list of demands.

First, I bequeath my student loan debt to my daughter. I think it's important for her to learn early on that you shouldn't get student loans just to pay a bloated phone bill. I want better for her, you know?
Second, one thing that really stresses me out about my unexpected death is the thought of all my dirty laundry just sitting there, being a gross reminder to everyone that the Domestic Sciences eluded me. I would like it burned. Which brings me to my third request: I don't want to be cremated. Or buried. Instead, I choose to be stuffed. I want to be in all family pictures and at the dinner table for every meal.
I feel these are fair requests and anyone who ignores them can expect a good, old fashioned haunting.


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