Thursday, October 4, 2012

Shaken. Not stirred. Or just straight out of the bottle. I don't care anymore.

Kids are like MacGyver about being annoying. Give them something, anything and they'll turn it into the most annoying thing. Ever. An eraser, a glass of water, or a book. Doesn't matter. They look at it, pick it up and BAM! It's the most annoying thing you've ever seen in all your years on this godforsaken planet. Sometimes I'm annoyed to tears. It's like if you're being held captive and your interrogator just has bad breath but other than that, he's not really that bad. To the outsider, it seems like something one could handle without cracking. But after four years of their bad breath in your face, constantly, day in and day out, you finally snap and you can't handle it anymore. And if my kids are bad breath, then martinis are my breath mints. Cheers!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

All that luxurious, healthy hair that you get during pregnancy falls out in clumps after your baby is born.

They don't tell you that.

As if you have this lovely hair for the rest of your life. Instead every shower is horrifying and you need to keep drano on standby. There's a metaphor for motherhood in here somewhere. Get over yourself and find your own punch line. I'm too tired from catering to my bazillion kids to piece it together. Do you want me to wipe your ass too?


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