Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Here’s something awesome about pregnancy: you need to dramatically increase your water intake. If you don’t, I don’t know what might happen? Maybe you’ll be thirsty and slightly irritable all day? Maybe you’ll slip upstairs to poop and you’ll be missing for nearly three quarters of an hour with a shit the size of a sweet potato that you’d swear was a brick? Maybe you’ll start to panic when it makes an appearance but gets stage fright only to freeze neither in, nor out? Maybe you’ll have to walk around the bathroom and do squats in a vain attempt to finish things up even though deep down you know that what you really need to do is bear down and practice your breathing techniques? Maybe you’ll have to check to make sure it isn’t, in fact, a baby? Maybe you’ll contemplate a trip to the emergency room or maybe just living with this outie poop for the rest of your life? Maybe when it’s all said and done, you’ll be left with a hemorrhoid the size of a kalamata olive, the legacy, if you will, of your harrowing and traumatic experience? Maybe life is just harder to face if you don’t stay hydrated, O.K? What a fucking miracle.

No comments:

Post a Comment


Related Posts with Thumbnails