One word: hemorrhoids. I know why people don’t talk about this stuff. It’s because you don’t want someone to decide not to have kids and leave you all alone with your baby and your hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids are the swelling of veins on your can and according to the Bible, hemorrhoids are God’s way of punishing you for having sex in the first place. And just in case you were considering having sex ever again, let me tell you what I was told when I asked how to get rid of them: you have to push. Them. Back. In. Into your ass! The fun never ends!