As I stared at my sleeping baby last night, I thought: this must be what people with dogs feel like?

I’m not sure when it happens but thank God it does. How horrible would life be if we never grew out of the crazy sleep moves that babies have? Every time I check on my dependent she’s in a different corner of her crib. Sometimes she’s sleeping on her back, sometimes her face. If we kept these nocturnal aerobics up, we’d have to be like couples on sitcoms from the 1950’s and sleep in twin beds separated by a night stand. There would be no way that two people could share one bed. Why would my silent partner put the box spring wrong side up and yet still put our mattress on top of it? It took a couple months but finally, I am sleeping in a mattress valley. While I toss and turn in a rage while my neck seizes up, I think about stuff like: if we tried sleeping in twin beds, separated by a night stand, would we have to have three night stands in total? Because who would control the light if you had just the one table in the middle? And I like symmetry. The only options could be three side tables, the one in the middle or none. And ‘none’ is just ridiculous. Where the hell would my associate put the change from his pocket that I steal for over priced coffee? Anyway, kids sleep stupid.

I wonder when you stop worrying that your sleeping child has died in their sleep? If I still lived at home would my mom worry about it? Say if I slept in really late? Would she consider knocking on my door? Would she worry that I had stopped breathing? Well, would she wonder if I stopped breathing? Once your kids are out of the cute stage, maybe that’ s what happens? You don’t stop wondering about it, you just stop worrying about it.