Miracle Of Life: Pregnancy. Your body will betray you.


I spent the last three months dressing like a cat lady because I thought, hey, I'm pregnant. How good can I look? Who cares. I love yoga pants. Blahhhhhhhhhhhh...  Then I decided to step it up a notch and make myself a little more presentable.

Today, I was walking with some pep in my step, feeling good about my new dress and boots, feeling like a snake who sloughed off that gross outer layer of skin and had a nice, new, sleek exterior. Only my old 'skin' was actually jogging pants and unwashed hair. I walked by two women who were talking about something boring (one can only assume) and I thought: I bet they wish that they made more of an effort, too.

Then I farted. Loudly. And the length of it automatically disqualifies it from being called a cute 'toot' or something. Being pregnant is awesome. I pee myself, fart without any notice whatsoever, explode with rage and am fat. What a fucking miracle.

THE MIRACLE OF LIFE: PREGNANCY

Here’s something awesome about pregnancy: you need to dramatically increase your water intake. If you don’t, I don’t know what might happen? Maybe you’ll be thirsty and slightly irritable all day? Maybe you’ll slip upstairs to poop and you’ll be missing for nearly three quarters of an hour with a shit the size of a sweet potato that you’d swear was a brick? Maybe you’ll start to panic when it makes an appearance but gets stage fright only to freeze neither in, nor out? Maybe you’ll have to walk around the bathroom and do squats in a vain attempt to finish things up even though deep down you know that what you really need to do is bear down and practice your breathing techniques? Maybe you’ll have to check to make sure it isn’t, in fact, a baby? Maybe you’ll contemplate a trip to the emergency room or maybe just living with this outie poop for the rest of your life? Maybe when it’s all said and done, you’ll be left with a hemorrhoid the size of a kalamata olive, the legacy, if you will, of your harrowing and traumatic experience? Maybe life is just harder to face if you don’t stay hydrated, O.K? What a fucking miracle.

THE MIRACLE OF LIFE: PREGNANCY

Today I sneezed. And then I had to change my pants. What a fucking miracle.